Disease of Denial, Part 2

WARNING: THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS MATERIAL RELATED TO SUICIDE AND DOMESTIC ABUSE, INCLUDING SEXUAL AND EMOTIONAL. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

This video is still chilling for me to watch. I’ve, of course, edited it so you didn’t have to sit through 16 minutes of me rambling, but…

I made this video shortly after my friends had decided to part ways with me, only two months after my marriage, July 2018. I chose to pardon much of my husband’s behavior, including the swastikas he would casually put on the walls, his obsession with Nazi memorabilia, his incessant need to use the n-word over and over, his constant coercion and sexual assault. I tried to pardon it as immaturity due to his age and his behavioral filter disappearing after his car accident.

This video haunts me, because in its full contents, I discuss my desire to end my life, but how I felt I couldn’t because dead or alive, I was still burdening someone. I was in the honeymoon phase of abuse, when my husband would hand me lies and false comfort, lowered and downcast eyes, guilt trips, to convince me that maybe he had sincerely wanted to change. I couldn’t understand why everyone was leaving me, and I was left with only my husband. I felt like at that point, he was the only one I could cling to, so I did. People were walking out. I convinced myself the honeymoon phase of his abuse was the beginning of change to be proven wrong time and time again, and in the video, I even question if I was unaware of how bad it actually was. I had no one, so I clung to the worst candidate for comfort. I turned to my abuser because I no longer felt important. I turned to him because I was truly alone.

A lot of it is on me. I became cruel during this time. My perfectionism (including that to have a successful marriage) pushed others away. I pushed important relationships away. Empath vampires like my husband manipulated me and used their own narcissism to persuade me into opening to ideas I never would have on my own. Being abused was better than being alone.

I remembered all the instances when I felt romantic partners gave up on me instead of giving me a chance to prove myself a worthy partner. I faced countless rejections prior to my marriage, and I continued to be fed the idea that I didn’t matter, my body didn’t matter, that people could do literally anything to me, for me, with me, and never, ever want me. I felt like people chose not to love me anymore.

So I chose to love my husband.

Even in the midst of his bigotry, his hatred, his screaming, his misogyny, I chose to stay with him, and nothing, not even those who proved themselves trustworthy over the years, not even lifelong, important relationships with friends or family, would separate me from him. I had to prove every man who had harmed me in the past wrong, wrong for giving up on me, and if I were to give up on someone, even in deep discomfort, in deep pain, then that would only mark my own failure.

I just wanted so desperately to feel loved. I chose to love him, but he was the wrong choice.

I talk about finding the gray area in this video, ironically enough. I was so determined to see the best in people, in my husband, that I chose to be blind to just how terrible his behaviors were. He fed on my empathy and groomed me time and time again into believing the idea that I should permit his behaviors during the honeymoon phase of abuse to pardon any abusive behaviors.

To loved ones of the victim of domestic abuse:

I absolutely understand sitting there and being the audience member to your loved one experiencing domestic abuse is challenging, especially when your loved one may have never specifically mentioned their abuse or didn’t know how to name it as such. As evidenced in this video, I intentionally withdrew information from my loved ones because I feared they would just tell me to leave him. In hindsight, that wouldn’t have been the worst thing that could happen, but being honest while needing to control the situation didn’t pair well together, so I withheld my truth.

A victim needs to know they are still loved. A victim needs to know that they are still supported. When a victim finally leaves an abusive situation, the last thing they need added to their plate is guilt. That is the time they need support the most, because walking away from domestic violence isn’t always safe and easy (in fact, it rarely is). They have been taught for some time now that their perpetrator is the only one they can turn to or rely on. They have been taught that they will only be wanted by their perpetrator. Please, please do everything you can to counteract that thinking.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, please use the following hotline number:

1-800-799-7233

Walking away from domestic abuse is scary. To the woman who is unable to walk away, maybe because you’ve experienced grooming, maybe in fear, maybe because you have children with your perpetrator, know that you are heard, you are supported, and the safety of your mind and body are a priority. Love may be a choice, but so is abuse. There is a difference between a mistake and a pattern, and once hurtful behaviors become a pattern, they become inexcusable.

Know you are loved. Love each other, love yourself enough to place boundaries where they are needed. You are worthy. You matter. You deserve happiness, safety, and unconditional love.