Accepting Heresy

WARNING: THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS INFORMATION RELATED TO TOXIC CHRISTIANITY, TOXIC FAMILY, DOMESTIC ABUSE, AND RACISM. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

There’s so much to unfold here. I want to start with the following disclaimer: I am a Christian. I believe Jesus saved me, I have experienced what it is like to be filled with the Spirit, I have seen God work a miracle in me. These things still remain true as I write this blog.

So many sentences reflective of hate and toxic Christianity have spewed from my mouth before.

“If I had a child who was gay, I just don’t know what I would do with myself.”

“I can’t hang out with you anymore because you’re a bad influence on me.”

I have slut-shamed, I have blamed other girls for being sexually abused, I have cried finding out about friends’ cannabis use 10+ years ago, I have said my Black friends were oreos and white on the inside, I have shamed other girls for fitting a more societally-accepted brand of attractiveness than I acquire. It has taken me quite some time to unlearn these behaviors, but sometimes, being presented a narrative and being empathetic enough to trust the experiences of others is the first step.

Today, I need to discuss toxic Christianity. Let me be clear, again, there is a difference between my faith as a Christian and my criticisms of toxic behaviors in the church, a vast difference.

The story of Adam and Eve is already problematic in itself, because within the first narrative the Bible shares, the forbidden fruit grows from the tree of knowledge, so we are taught from the beginning that attaining knowledge is negative. This means that when presented rational and logical information that can raise questions within the Christian community, you are already frowned upon for asking any questions in the first place. Something I have always noted is my criticism of using the Bible as a sole source of information, especially without caring to know about intended authorship, without knowing about historical context, without even questioning that these are human witness accounts that many may claim may be God inspired, but are not physically written by the hand of God.

One big one for me is the translation of the Bible that is presented to Americans. While the Southern Baptist Church may have apologized for its roots, it is impossible for me to ignore that those roots exist, that they did not break down the church and rebuild instead of masking its origin story with apologies. I cannot question the denominations of Christianity that were created to make claims that the white cis-man is superior to all others, that there is a ranking of worthiness based on gender, race, sexual orientation, gender identification, poverty, etc. In Jessie Daniel’s book concerning the discourse of white supremacy, she describes racial traitors, she describes that the church was a recruitment location to white supremacists. I’m reading sources of a gay-agenda in the church, seeing people call out on homosexuality before they do racism. I am questioning the literature of the Bible being handed to me, asking myself how has this translation been influenced by people with an agenda to feel superior to others, hearing how homosexuality originally translated to “pedophilia” or “laziness,” both which are vastly different to a person’s sexual orientation or gender identification.

It is biblical to make “love God, then love others” your top goal as a Christian, yet what I’m seeing is a broadcast of the opposite.

In the United States, we just held a crucial election and have voted out Tr*mp from the White House, which has deeply upset many of my family members and members of the church I once attended. I’m hearing “voter fraud” left and right, many claiming that they are being civil and questioning the passion behind the cries of what I suppose I’ll call those with more liberal perspectives. Whenever I see protests, they shout “thugs,” they shout “riots and looting,” without realizing that I had to see pictures of “protests” of our former president O*ama visually representing racial hate crimes including visual portrayals of lynching our former president. I’m seeing a group of people who will say “Only Jesus sits on the throne” while clinging to every lie Tr*mp sends out. I’m seeing them post Tr*mp surrounded by auras, protecting children, when he has 20+ allegations of sexual assault, including child sexual abuse, while he had clear affiliations with human trafficker Epstein and has referenced Epstein’s girlfriend as something along the lines of “a fine lady.” This man spent thousands on a headline demanding the execution of 5 Black teenagers for a crime they did not commit, because rape accusations will only be listened to if the victim is a white woman and the predator is a Black man. This man has several times mocked the disabled, mocked veterans, mocked those in poverty, has a video saying he can just grab women by the p*ssy because he’s a celebrity, tear gassed a group of civilians for a photo-op of him holding a Bible in front of a church he doesn’t even attend, upside down, and no one is asking questions.

I’m seeing people pray for the wickedness of our country to be removed, when Tr*mp is textbook definition of “wicked.”

We are told that we are granted the right to free will as Christians, because God wants us to choose Him, yet seeing those who are attempting to represent God try to steal that right because they value purity over humanity.

Let me speak this much: I was unable to experience peace until I truly accepted that God wanted the most authentic version of myself, not the most pure. I was unable to experience peace until I learned what God truly meant by seeing the log in your own eye before the speck in others, to not cling to trying to reach out to people who simply were unwilling to hear it, to realize that despite any bad part of myself, God will always be good. It came with accepting that it was biblical to ask questions when in doubt (Remember this? “I believe, but help me with my unbelief!”) It came with accepting that Jesus was a man of color who was executed by His government, that even though something was illegal and He was innocent, He was still executed. It came with realizing that love isn’t brushing reality under the rug when the topic becomes uncomfortable.

From my experiences, the church has believed it MUST be a physical building, without realizing that church isn’t a building at all. Jesus promises suffering to humanity, yet people act as if praying will pardon them from suffering and test God by sitting in a pew weekly during a pandemic that has taken and altered over 200,000 lives in the United States. Remember, Christians, it is also frowned upon to test God.

I have seen domestic violence enabled, watched women blame other women for men sexually abusing them without holding men accountable (and women abuse men as well, but my argument is specific to toxic patriarchy, so hold tight). Women begin being told it is a spousal obligation to have sex with their husbands, so when spousal rape occurs, she is told it was her duty as his wife. Women are told to keep men at the head of the household without looking into the cultural and historical context of said verses. Women are also called racial traitors in white supremacist journalism.

I have seen the enabling of toxic family. I have seen people believe that blindly trusting family members because of shared genetics when they do not reflect unconditional love is an expectation. You are taught to honor your parents, including when they brush your childhood abuse under the rug, including when they re-marry to spouses who narcissistically abuse you and everyone they know, including their own children, including when they ask you to enable abusive behavior of their spouses by giving false praises.

I have seen a lack of empathy and blind-faith free of rational thinking. When I see the love Jesus presented to people, I see one that is unconditional. Many people believe they would be Jesus’ disciples, but their behavior is far too close to that of the Pharisees. I see people talking about how God hates lying and manipulation, yet blindly follow Tr*mp and exude obvious idolatry for a single man. They live in a world where God only forgives you if you are a white heterosexual cis-man.

For me, however, when I see a group of people as a target of hate crimes, I cannot ignore it. When it has taken me over 27 years of life to learn that my education, both in school and the church, has been authored by white-washing and I am finally exposed the truth, I cannot ignore it. When I feel at peace being my authentic self while trusting that I am doing the best to unconditionally love others and fight for their voices to be heard, I cannot ignore it. When I learn that those who are poor and innocent are more likely to be in jail than those who are rich and guilty, I cannot ignore it. When I learn that the U.S. makes up 5% of the world’s population, but 20% of COVID cases and 25% of the world’s prison population, I cannot ignore it.

So yes, I am in a time of deconstruction of my faith. I will never leave it, it is still unquestionable that God saved my life, but if I see the love of Jesus more clearly in those who are not His followers, yes, I need to ask questions. Ignorance isn’t always bliss, and I feel it would be irresponsible of me to quote scripture and speak God’s intentions when 21st century evangelical’s version of God is not the God who saved my life.

If you have ever fallen victim to toxic Christianity, you are certainly not alone. You are allowed to ask questions, to love unconditionally even when you feel pressured to hate and judge, to love yourself and your humanity. Toxic Christianity can be extremely traumatizing. You are always enough, and you were always enough, and you will always be enough, regardless of your level of purity. Be kind today, to others, to yourself.