The Victim Awakens

WARNING: THIS POST MAY CONTAIN INFORMATION RELATED TO SPIRITUAL ABUSE (PARTICULARLY THE CHURCH), SEXUAL ABUSE, DOMESTIC ABUSE, SUICIDE, WHITE AND RELIGIOUS SUPREMACY, AND OTHER ELEMENTS THAT MAY BE TRIGGERING TO THE READER. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

It may take a survivor of abuse some time to truly target the source of when they gain thoughts and ideas of themselves that manifest into schema to create the ideal mental state that feeds abusers. What many of us forget is WHERE these sources may be and how these sources bleed into other arenas of life. For me, it begins with purity culture.

I spent so much of my time questioning why I hated myself so much, why I believed confidence and egotism were synonyms, why it was so impossible to trust myself, my intuition, my needs. Yes, I initially grew up in a Christian household, but I would even admit that at some point in my adolescence, I was not avidly attending church, my family was not forcing ideals onto me, but early on, yes, it was pushed on me.

I remember being told as a child, using logic, that I was required to love God more than anyone else around me and to not question it, which simply could not be comprehended by a small child, likely around age 4 or 5. I’m here to state that the overall most prominent mentality of the church, particularly the church of whyte America, conditions those in attendance to become the most ideal targets of abuse, and how much that conditioned me specifically to consent to my abuse.

It stuck with me, and into my teenage and early adulthood years, I would drain those around me of their humanity, unable to understand why they continued to “sin” and make poor decisions. I viewed my parents’ divorce as a failure, the fact that they had yet to finish a degree as failure, I saw my siblings as fallen and actively choosing to “sin” without addressing or even knowing what was happening behind the scenes and how they too were being heavily abused by those who could easily manipulate them. I fell for the nuclear family dynamic (which, in case you didn’t know, is a byproduct of white supremacy) – I must have a husband to submit to, I must have a family, a house, a good job, all of that, because that was the American dream. I saw my family fail to achieve that themselves, and I wanted to prove myself better than them.

My friends in high school called me “Jiminy Cricket” and called it a good conscience and intense self-discipline, when really, I was not free. I was in the chains of my own mind, not seeking compassion for myself or others to bask in their own humanity. I often cried finding out that as a teenager, there were other people who dipped their toes in drug use or consumed alcohol, because I resented their freedom. I resented that I was not accepted because I chose to deprive myself of life, so I could out-perform all of those around me, so I would look nice and shiny to God.

I bought into the Christian supremacy mindset, I slut-shamed, I was homophobic (without coming to terms that I myself am a pansexual), and there was so much obsession about maintaining my purity and remaining clean that ended up completely screwing up my relationship with sex, with vices, with myself. My friends would fear telling me their life decisions in fear of my judgment. They saw themselves as unclean in my eyes, and to me, they were. I told friends I couldn’t spend time with them, all because our social situations included a few flying curse words here and there and an acceptance of all people, because I was taught to love people but hate their “sin”. I was conditioned to have blind faith, to read a book and take its literal word-for-word mistranslation without questioning conflicting views, historical context, contextual analysis, intended audience, and the language used which could suggest poetry, prose, narrative, etc. I was told to have faith, to not have questions, to love something more than anything else in fear of what my after-life looked like. I was sold the idea that if I maintained my virginity until marriage, then I would have mind-blowing sex with my spouse (who had to be cis-male – and if that term is out of date, please let me know. I try my best to keep up, but I know I still have a bit of growing still, we are never finished products and constantly evolving), and I should give my body to him whenever he wanted because that was evidently biblical.

I was constantly told (even by myself) that nothing I could do would make me clean, that I was dirty, rotten, sinful, unworthy of salvation, and that the only way to be any of those things was to be an “adamant Christian,” which, to me in that time, meant constant bible studies, attending the church more than once a week, volunteering my gifts of music without payment, praying hard enough, volunteering constantly, etc. After experiencing my break-up in 2012, I felt like I lived at the church. I refused to give into vices in hopes that my purity would win over my ex and make him love me again, and was told on repeat that if I just “give it to God,” I would be healed. So when I prayed and sacrificed my life to the church and still experienced depression and suicidal ideations, I assumed that it was because I just wasn’t good enough for God to listen to me. The suicidal ideations grew in intensity and frequency to a point that I was unsafe alone and participated in countless near-attempts on my life.

I reached a point when the narrative in my mind spoke, “I should kill myself, because then I would be damned to eternal torture, I would force separation with God and no longer burden God with my wickedness.” What a terrible way to think… I knew that people often believed that suicide was consciously sinning and murder, including murder of self, led to eternal damnation. I believed I DESERVED that because I was unable to shake off my mental illness and quiet the suicidal thoughts that only grew and grew.

After my hospitalization, I went to live with my Nana for a few months, and this was when I first experienced freedom. After this point, I said I was an “agnostic with Christian tendencies,” simply because of the fact that I had questions and trusted that my finite understanding would not be able to answer all of them. When I returned to purity culture in 2019, I often saw this as me stepping away from faith, when really, I now see it as me beginning to wake up. A philosophy that damages people, that uses mistranslated ancient texts as a weapon against those with differences, did not align with the unconditional love I saw was designed to be given to one another and ourselves. I also NEVER STEPPED AWAY FROM MY FAITH. I never “fell away”, it only modified and changed based off of growing, of seeing experiences outside of my own, of seeing what conditional love looked like and how it was reserved only for the “pure”.

Granted, there were many decisions I made that were a result of the innate belief that I was worthless and never enough. I didn’t trust the safety of my mind and put myself into scenarios that harmed me as an individual. One thing I’ve heard often, and trigger warning, this is a biblical reference, that the bible begins in Genesis 1, not Genesis 3: “Then God saw everything that He had made, and indeed it was very good.” Genesis 1:31 NKJV. It was created GOOD! We were created good, period. It was already called, so who we are is good because we are a part of God. We have individual purpose because of how God uses each of us individually, and we are called to love unconditionally. “And he said to him, ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.'” – Matthew 22:37-39 ESV. AS yourself, as in there must be a love of self that exists in order for you to love others unconditionally. Now, I do work to use sources outside of the bible, but for those who use the bible as a primary source, I mention all of this to say that there are decisions that I made that were careless to love of others and love of myself, or safety of others and safety of myself.

As someone with mental illness, with depression, anxiety, PTSD, along with mental conditions including the likelihood of autism, my brain has the privilege of being able to alert me when a need is left unmet, a need for safety and consent, and I forced those alerts silent when I was attempting to be one with the crowd and not myself. I am pansexual, acknowledge she/her pronouns, personally prefer monogamy for myself, and am a demi-sexual. I felt embarrassed with the fact that I could not feel certain attractions towards others based off of physical appearance solely. I only became sexually attracted to people when I had established an emotional connection. I, however, coerced myself into becoming something I was not in order to feel wanted. This left me susceptible to conditional acceptance. I also, many times, felt unsafe when consuming alcohol around men because this was when I was most often taken advantage of. I would hear these loud alarms going off in my head that something was not right, and I continued to let destruction be done to me. Granted, the only cause of rape is rapists, but I could never put my foot down when it came to the sanctity of my safety.

I nervous giggle when I’m uncomfortable, I have difficulties saying “no,” I remain silent when I am deeply upset in fear of burdening those around me, I take much at face value, I trust easily and work to find the best in others, I was taught blind faith, so because of all of these, I am a walking target to narcissists and abusers, and because of that, I work extremely hard to listen to my body signals and red flags concerning a person because it is already built within me to have that ability. I was taught to be equally yoked, so finding a “Christian” man was more important than finding a sympathetic man who understood mental illness and displayed unconditional love. This led to me being coerced and raped by my ex-husband who stamped “Christian” on his forehead.

Waking up includes asking yourself what does love say and what does truth say? Truth: the bible was mistranslated intentionally to meet a political and anti-gay agenda. Truth: Americans used to use the bible (although I’m certain there are those few who still do) to justify and permit slavery. Truth: White supremacists in the early 20th century recruited in the church. Truth: In the bible, the first and greatest commandment from Jesus, found in Matthew, instructs to love others as yourself and instructs no further. Truth: if someone is deciding to love you conditionally and displays that often, they aren’t safe for you. Truth: You are good. Truth: the majority of those who the church primarily targets display Jesus’ unconditional love better than many Christians. Truth: Homosexuality is not a choice. Truth: Science is real and exists.

Attempting to live a life of love of self and others, along with truth of self and others, leads to healing and wholesome living, at least so I believe and have experienced. Loving isn’t always what is easiest, truth isn’t always what is easiest, but ultimately, remains kind and honest. I am acknowledging my truths, but fully understand that life is not a one-size-fits-all scenario. What is my truth, what helps me maintain safety of self, is not the same truth that others may experience, and that is okay, as long as we are listening to it. If I have developed a schema in my brain that is covered in flawed-thinking, I must seek truth and question it if it was designed to either harm myself or others. I once heard Kevin Garcia explain that repentance is changing your mind. That speaks far more truth to me than stating the bad things I’ve done and asking for forgiveness. I had harmful mindsets that, whether intentionally or not, were designed to love on a conditional level that I worked to change and acknowledge.

You deserve love. You are GOOD and enough. You matter. You have a purpose on this earth that is so specific and individual to only you. You are never alone. You are allowed to heal slowly, to ask questions, to not have answers. You deserve love and truth, of others, surrounding you, of yourself. You are worthy.