Domestic Violence Awareness

WARNING: This post may contain information relating to domestic, physical, and sexual abuse. Reader discretion is advised.

It has been a moment since I’ve sat in front of my computer, my heart aching to come up with the right words.

As many know, the Johnn* Dep*/Ambe* Hear* defamation trial is a hot topic these days. It has left me with several mixed emotions and analyses. In case you are wondering, yes, I stand with JD in this scenario; however, this trial advocates a counter message to my beliefs: the belief that we should not believe women when they make claims of abuse against men.

I identify as an intersectional feminist. When ANY person claims they experienced abuse, I will always side with them, regardless of the lack of evidence brought before me. I am far too familiar with emotional abuse, manipulation, denial, and grooming. I know that more often than not, there will not be tangible evidence that domestic abuse occurred. According to women’s aid: until women & children are safe, they state that the first ever study of false allegations of domestic abuse was in 2013. “In the 17 month period that the study examined, there were 111,891 persecutions for domestic violence, and only six persecutions for making false allegations.” We are then asked why we didn’t report the abuse, why we chose a certain timing to reveal our past abuse, and are made out to be controlling and “crazy.”

I also noticed that because of JD’s friendship with Marily* Manso*, there are strong attempts to discredit Eva* Rache* Woo*’s allegations of domestic abuse against the rock singer. Because ERW supported (supports still? I honestly don’t know) AH, there is a question about her own credibility. However, a friendship between 2 famous men has nothing to do with their interactions with their significant others. My abuser also had friends, and those friends were not abusive. In fact, upon entering my current relationship, many people told me how they observed the patterns of another of my former abusers (one was primarily emotional and sexual abuse, the other was narcissistically abusive). I hear voices filled with regret that they didn’t do more when they had the chance, that they saw the abusive behaviors and let it happen for 4 years, treating my past abuser as their friend (and still consider my former abuser their friend) instead of doing something about it. Of course, I didn’t find all of this out until I had already set boundaries with this abuser and was separated from the situation, not during the active abuse.

I believe that ERW did exactly what I did. When AH made original accusations against JD, as a survivor of abuse, ERW stood beside the original accuser, and there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, that infuriates me even more about AH because she deliberately defamed an entire movement, a movement where survivors actively defended her, and she was the main perpetrator of abuse. Those who believe AH haven’t done anything wrong. I also believed AH back in 2016, but the moment the leaked recordings were released, I could no longer stand with her.

This has become a time where I see the MeToo Movement being slandered and the ACLU is under fire (probably rightfully so, but nevertheless). I also realize, with an incredibly impressionable audience staring at their phones, that many people struggle to use any form of contextual analysis when reposting, sharing, and receiving information. There is so much hate and volatility being thrown in the direction of organizations whose missions are deeply personal for me and many, many, many others.

me too.’s Mission Statement: “The ‘me too.’ movement believes in the radical possibilities of a movement against sexual violence, led by survivors of sexual violence.”

Let’s also note the fact that a movement that supports survivors of abuse, the majority being women (not all, the majority), and an organization actively fighting for abortion rights are being targeted and losing their followership amid this chaos. In our political climate, it makes sense that many view life in black or white. We somehow see events of this nature as the norm, that women must be lying about abuse, and that male victims of abuse don’t exist. It is me against you. I’m wrong, you’re right. Life is far more complicated than that.

As much as I hate to bring up such a peppy movie in this post, I think often of He’s Just Not That Into You. Jason Long’s character discussed the difference between the exception and the rule, although in a not-as-kind way of saying men just don’t like women and if they do, they’re the exception (I may be overexaggerating that detail). It means knowing the rules and pointing out the exceptions.

Six out of 111,891 cases of domestic abuse in 2013 were false allegations. Six. That means 0.0000536236% of the time, there was a false allegation. I want to point out that cases like that of JD and AH are the exception to the rule. That is not what regularly happens, and AH’s manipulation of the MeToo Movement after persistently getting caught in lies and tipping off media sources (ahem, TMZ, who manipulated the public into believing Britney should be in a conservatorship, who defend MM in their stories) is not a reflection of those who consider themselves survivors. I very often have used the MeToo hashtag in many of these blog posts because it is about visibility. People will continue to not believe claims if we remain silent about them, and survivors (of ANY gender, mind you) deserve to feel seen and not alone in their traumatic experiences.

This is why I stand with JD. When hearing the leaked audio, I heard the anger, the insistence, the narcissism in the voice of AH. JD made claims of abuse. Let’s think about that for a moment. A man claimed that he was abused by a woman. Toxic masculinity would never allow that.

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence provides the following statistics:

1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner. This includes a range of behaviors (e.g. slapping, shoving, pushing)…

1 in 7 women and 1 in 25 men have been injured by an intimate partner.

1 in10 women have been r*ped by an intimate partner. Data is unavailable on male victims.

1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men have been victims of severe physical violence… by an intimate partner in their lifetime.

Intimate partner violence accounts for 15% of all violent crimes.

Women between the ages of 18-24 are most commonly abused by an intimate partner.

ncadv.org/STATISTICS

women‘s aid: until women & children are safe provides further statistics:

“In the vast majority of cases, domestic abuse is experienced by women and perpetrated by men… In the year ending March 2019, the majority of defendents in domestic abuse-related prosecutions were men (92%), and the majority of victims were female (75%)… It is a gendered crime which is deeply rooted in societal inequality between women and men. Women are more likely than men to experience multiple incidents of abuse, different types of domestic abuse, and sexual violence particularly.”

womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/myths/

Note that none of this claims that women CAN’T be perpetrators of abuse and men CAN’T be victims. In fact, based on the same statistics, male perpetrators are more common than male victims. Domestic abuse against men DOES happen, and when a man comes forward with claims of abuse, it should raise an eyebrow. Sometimes, evidence is difficult, even impossible to find, but at that same token, if it’s there, you can’t ignore it.

Many people disliked the movie Don’t Look Up, but I LOVED it! The point of the movie: all you have to do is look. I urge you to look, dig, go beyond appearances, disregard your social media face, the tunnel you scream into by posting things everyone agrees with. Verify everything. First-person accounts are important. Credible authors and websites are important.

Have the empathy to believe someone when they say they’ve been harmed, yet the logic and reasoning to face the truth when it stares you dead in the face. AH, despite all of this, is a human being who likely has received death threats during this trial. Accountability is important, but we, the people, are not the jury, judge, and executioner. I would much rather believe someone who is making false allegations than mistrust someone who is telling the truth. I can’t allow any other person to feel alone in those experiences, and if the price I pay for that is being wrong about a person’s intentions, so be it.